What If...

In the media it's not always possible, or exciting, to get ALL the facts straight. With that in mind I offer you a sensational alternative to otherwise drab and boring news stories. Feel free to click on the links to find the "real" story I'm butchering. This post is dedicated to Dan Rather and his inability to properly investigate the facts.

* Calista Flockhart was devastated to learn that her new Showtime docu-drama Flat Actress has been dropped in lieu of a touching series about Bessie the Cow and how she's coping with her shocking diagnosis of Mad Cow Disease.

* Jesus was said to have been "very disappointed" to learn that someone else had already filed a patent for the popular new drink Jesus Juice, thereby nullifying months of hard work and testing for The Almighty. He stated "I hadn't even considered the beneficial side effect of crotch-grabbing that the drink could have".

* The wage increase battle has finally been decided. While Democrats originally requested a $2.10 increase the Republicans had urged for only $1.10. Finally, after many heated debates, they met somewhere in the middle and decided on a buck-fiddy increase along with monthly vouchers that could be redeemed for a free cinnamon roll at Hardees.

* White House welcomes blogger Dixie Normous to daily press briefings and insists that they have carefully scrutinized his...er, her credentials before considering admittance.

* Scientists recently scrapped the idea of a particle accelerator in favor of launching Ford trucks at each other instead. "Yeah, once we get those trucks inside this tube we speed 'em up real quick and they smash into tiny bits with metal flyin' everywhere. Yee-haw, now that's good watchin'!" one scientist remarked.

* Recent studies have discovered milk is not quite as healthy as we once thought; in fact it is now attributed to causing cancer in laboratory mice. Many southern schools have already decided to provide the hip new beverage Jesus Juice(TM) to its students. An anonymous source was quoted as saying "It makes the children much more docile and receptive to learning. They're also much easier for Larry the Janitor to coax into the boiler room for show and tell".

I hope you enjoyed this fantastical stroll through otherwise uninteresting news drivel. Contact me to find out how boredom can also work for you!

Bessie the Cow and Larry the Janitor are trademarks of lyrical coma inc.