New and Used

I am a "new" whore.

No, not as in "I have recently started selling my body on Magnolia Avenue", but meaning I have this strange fetish for "new" things. This applies to CDs, video games, movies, cars, etc. Not that used items are necessarily bad (unless you're talking about condoms or tampons - ewwww) but I feel like I'm either inheriting someone else's problems or the item has been somehow tainted by the previous owner.

Am I such a self-centered bastard that I think I'm that much better than everyone else, like my shit doesn't stink too? Yeah probably, but to put that in some kind of context you have to understand that my girlfriend is convinced that I never shit at all...and we've been together 6 years.

Not only do I always have to buy brand new items but I have to buy the most expensive item available. God forbid I ever buy a generic product for fear of getting a defective item. I did break my own rule however, and bought some Kroger brand cough syrup this weekend and it nearly killed me (the buying part, not the syrup). I blame it all on the foggy, mind-numbing effect of the dose(s) of Nyquil I had taken at the time.

Funny, I don't really recall driving to the store...or paying for the cough syrup, hmmm.

Anyway, I finally paid off my car around August and by November the piece of @$#!% died and I had to buy a new one. It would have been so simple to buy a used car at a reasonable price, but nooooooo, I just had to go and buy the most expensive ride I could find. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my 2005 Mazda Tribute, but my monthly payment is almost as much as my part of the house payment.

Of course I never have the insight to plan ahead in the event something should go terribly wrong and as luck would have it my hours have changed at work and I'm not bringing home quite as much. So now I'm contemplating a second job (again) to try and compensate for the loss. Wait a sec...if I'm always right how did I get my math so screwed up on this one? Oh yeah, I almost forgot, my control is so complete that the laws of mathematics bend to my will.

Unfortunately, all the bill collectors seem to be impervious to my methods.

[snippet from conversation between Mazda Credit and myself]

Me: I have 20,000 Camel C-Notes.
Mazda Credit: Camel C-Notes?!? Camel C-Notes are no good out here. We need something more real...
Me: I don't have anything else. (raising my hand) But Camel C-Notes will
do fine.
Mazda Credit: No they won'ta.
(I wave my hand again, using my mind power)
Me: Camel C-Notes will do fine.
Mazda Credit: No, they won'ta. You do realize that we can't see you waving your hand over the phone, don't you?
Me: Crap...well, how about Marlboro Miles?

[end snippet]

Is there some kind of detox method to get me off of these "new (and most expensive) items" only purchasing habits? Maybe I could start with buying boxes of stale crackers from Big Lots (that only sold in Canada over 5 years ago) and work my way up from there.

Remember...small steps.

My Mazda still even has that new car smell. Mmmmmmmmmmm. [drool, slobber]

You realize this is a cry for help don't you?